Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
How I wear a scarf:
1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder
2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?
Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.
I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.
Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.