@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

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@Mom_Overboard

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

@VictorscarletJ

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

@That_Damn_Duck

How I wear a scarf:

1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder

2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.

3. Repeat

@notsoevilrick

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@MsSkarsgaard

My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.

@AthenasOlive

I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..

@dril

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.