Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.