@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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@mommajessiec: My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
@sixfootcandy: Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile. Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.