@pleatedjeans: Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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@ValeeGrrl: My neighbor's 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she's protesting but I'm gonna go join her.
@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@Ristolable: He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor