Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I love the honesty
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …