The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”