Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You Might Also Like
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.