Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

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In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.


1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter.

Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.


Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.


My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!


I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii


Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”


Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.


Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.


Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?


ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god