@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

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@mellimelle

In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

@dadsrpeopletoo

1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter.

Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@JVarsityCaptain

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

@ryaninco

I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii

@Rachelnoise

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”

@HatfieldAnne

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What