Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.


Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.


You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.


*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.


Thousands of religions and you’re damned if you choose incorrectly? There must be people in Hell asking,”So! What religion are you in for?”


When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.


1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”


Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.


Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.