Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.


[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.


Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*


Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!


Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.


Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.


As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos


Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.


ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.