Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty