[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
All generalizations are stupid.
Perfect
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.