@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

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@Phook75

They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.

@Norsebysw

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

@kelkulus

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@HenpeckedHal

If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.

@AndyAsAdjective

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

@sock_holliday

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

@shatterpants

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue