[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat