[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You can’t rush stupid.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
What