Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.