ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Cat.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh