*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.