Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo