Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.