I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Welcome to the first and last meeting of Ghosters Anonymous
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.