Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
This line from Airplane.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people