HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
There are usually two types of merchants.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?