@kacisuewho

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

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@WilliamAder

Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Doctor: No.
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.

@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

@FunnyBison

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

@Glove_Monkey

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@kumailn

“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed

@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@iwearaonesie

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*