HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

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First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie


What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”


We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.


Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!


3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me: *already asleep on the couch*


So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.


My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!


You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…


My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.


Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”