HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

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Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Doctor: No.
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.


(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*


ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed


Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room


“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out


*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*