If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.