Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.


My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.


Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.


a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”


I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead


You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.


*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*


I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.