Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Vodka burrito was a success
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?