*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
A little too much information.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
FRED: right
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Well, this is awkward
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.