Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
You Might Also Like
Me: Will you-
Me: Can you-
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Oh hell no…..
Communication is important.
I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …