@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

@amazymay72x

Me: Will you-
Hubs: No
Me: Can you-
Hubs: Nope
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Sex?
Hubs: Yes
Me: Oh hell no…..

Communication is important.

@mishakey

I don’t come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.

@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@jordan_stratton

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

@RunOldMan

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@ChipKellysBalls

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …