Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?