Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.