@WetzelGeek: Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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@Heldinchains: Autocorrect changed honey to homey. Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
@WilliamAder: Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@ArfMeasures: Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you Me: Where was he? Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car Me *impressed* he really went for it