*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

You Might Also Like


Can’t. Trying to figure out whether its humour, cry for help or a mating call


The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.


Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.


Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.


“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)


(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep


Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*


What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.


*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*