If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
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8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
But, not in public.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left