@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

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@sweatheartmoony

Can’t. Trying to figure out whether its humour, cry for help or a mating call

@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@kimtopher22

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

@Lovestained555

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

@OfficeofSteve

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

@English_Channel

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

@XplodingUnicorn

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*