@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

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@iwearaonesie

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

@Brentweets

“Sir you can’t bring a whole cake into a movie theater”
“What if I cut it in half?”

@msevilroyslade

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

@rikpayne

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

@TheBoydP

If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.

@DurtMcHurtt

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@Shock_Monster

Him: Sir, you don’t have the experience or fitness to be a fireman.

Me: But, I got a mustache!

Him: That’s cat fur attached with frosting.

@HoarseWisperer

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

@krisv_723

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*