“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?