My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.
What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony