@TuSoonShakur

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

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@Reverend_Scott

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@beerfartchamp

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

@ADHDeanASL

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@SherifLSharkawy

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@imteddybless

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

@SortaBad

I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony