Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Always leave them wanting their money back.