hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.


I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.


Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.


Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.


After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.


Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!


What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…