@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

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@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@Amburglar_

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@RexHuppke

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

@simoncholland

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

@TrueTorontoGirl

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@WestofCrazy

What is “Fine”

I’ll take passive-aggressive responses for $800, Alex…