hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”