@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

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@turbomanatee

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

@Social_Mime

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

@Thynebear

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

@theevilwriter

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

@KeetPotato

guy at work: “good weekend?”
me: [in next toilet stall] “please leave me alone”

@ClichedOut

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel