*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
the red hot silly peppers