I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW
*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
guy at work: “good weekend?”
me: [in next toilet stall] “please leave me alone”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel