*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.