*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…