[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.


Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch



Jesus: who likes fish


At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still


NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”


MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”


[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”


I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.


<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.




me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)