@PaperWash

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

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@Wook316

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

@crocodilethumbs

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

@dumbbeezie

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

@jdawsey1

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@FrenulumBreve

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

@Thee1_4U

I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.

@CindyMeakin

<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.

@liv_thatsme

“THE CROPS ARE DYING!”

“NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!”

me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)