@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
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@AimeeHelene1: Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things... 1. I was sleep eating tacos again 2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
@THEDUTHCHESS: Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.
@BlindChow: [breakfast in hell] STALIN: Toast is burnt POL POT: Eggs are rotten HITLER: I hate the juice STALIN: Oh here we go HITLER: I said JUICE