[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.