COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.
2. Tweet me.
3. Txt me….
95.Drums and smoke signals
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves