@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

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@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

@Just_A_Kenyan

100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.

2. Tweet me.

3. Txt me….

95.Drums and smoke signals

100.Facebook

@JohnFDaley

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@dumbbeezie

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

@hippieswordfish

FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what