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[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table


Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.


I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.


2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad


Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.


So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.


Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.


Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car


When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.


God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…