My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.
A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.
Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”
Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*
*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*