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@SuperJuanderer

[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

@jazmasta

I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.

@Jeff_Sargeant

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

@youvebeenskold

So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.

@AndyAsAdjective

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@stephenjmolloy

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…