If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Attacked by a mop.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.