[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
You Might Also Like
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
WHY would you be happy about this?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?