@FrenulumBreve

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

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@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

@SadieSmithRoks

You can learn a lot about a man based on how he responds to a bird pooping on him.

Also background checks and digging thru his trash.

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@Book_Krazy

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

@KentWGraham

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood