tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Noah
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.