onlyenemies … for 4.95 a month i will make your life a living hell…
*hands stranger a condom
S: I don’t need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.