Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
You Might Also Like
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.