Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.
*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.