Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist