*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
mood
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.