@envydatropic

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

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@her_he_man

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@Glennot73

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

@TheToddWilliams

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@NotthatAdamWest

Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@chrisanna4real

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@momjeansplease

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.