*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Cheer up.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.