@envydatropic

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

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@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

@ojedge

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

@CrackYouWhip

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.