*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

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[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”


Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.


hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead


[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse


*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?


Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!


94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down


INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.


Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.