Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You Might Also Like
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil