@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

You Might Also Like

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

@BoogTweets

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

@callie_cakes

Ex: Holy skinny jeans!

Me: They are new. Like them?

Ex: Sure…

Me: What?

Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?

Divorce Reason 509

@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade