Stop correcting my vodkabulary
*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Ex: Holy skinny jeans!
Me: They are new. Like them?
Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?
Divorce Reason 509
The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade