me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have