*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
A game married people play.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…