*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You Might Also Like
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.