handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Probably my best painting.