*handsome, young man walks up*

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.

HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.

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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.


If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?


Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”


[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.


Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed