*handsome, young man walks up*

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.

HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.

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12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn


I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.


Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents


Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.


[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*


HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.