reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch