“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.