@McKelvie

Handy guide to types of moon.

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@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@Freudianscript

I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@stephenjmolloy

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

@LuvPug

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

@junejuly12

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

@Travon

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

@itsa_talia

my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.