I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
the icebreaker
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((