Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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*Washes off eyeliner*
Ok, weigh me now.
I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he’d stop wasting the coke. it’s like goddamn amateur hour with him.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*