Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet